STYLE...OR ELSE! [a wordy blog]

(Fractured Frame Photography 2007)

Style... or ELSE.  My blog title sounds like a challenge.  :)
It is a challenge.  It's a challenge to... myself. 

With how many photos I post around the internet you'd think that I was really comfortable with myself all the time.  The truth is... I'm not. 
I have two modes. 

Everyone look at me. 
Nobody look at me. 

There are times where I fall down a style and fashion black hole.  I think some people call it "letting yourself go".  I think of it more like... focusing on other things that are more important than how I look.  There are a lot of passions of mine where I stay up all night feverishly working (on auto-pilot).  There are days when I get so caught up in working... I forget to drink water or eat. 

Every once in a while I take myself out on the town.  I put on something cute... style my hair (instead of stuffing it under a hat)... put on some makeup and contacts... and I let the world *IN* for a while.  I let myself *OUT*.

2006  My pigeon friends in Seattle (and one of my "uniforms").

How I'm dressing at the time really indicates where my priorities are. 

Right now I am in a bit of an "ELSE" phase. 
If I could stand a camera on me, right now... I would have husband take some photos of me in my "uniform". I will try to make that happen.  You should see what I look like when I want nobody to look at me. 

I'm not ashamed to be seen without makeup... or without cute clothes on.  I have other more important things to think about than whether or not I have eyebrows every time I leave the house. 

But, then... this glorious creature emerges... dressed in frills and ruffles... or rhinestones and feathers... and she dazzles for a little while.  And, then, she goes back in her box. 

There are times when I want (no... NEED) to feel ugly.  Unlovable.  Unbelievable.  Undesirable.
It's my natural remedy whenever I start getting on a head trip about how pretty or awesome I am. 
I also go through this stage whenever I have to pull out a lot of awesome at once.  I think I'm cocooning because I have shows coming up.

For this reason alone... I am not sure that I will make the best fashion or style blogger. 
I don't know if me yoyoing between self-glorification and self-deprecation can even count as entertainment (but, hey... weirder stuff happens online!).

I don't really care what anybody tells you. 
Self-love is a journey... not a destination.  You don't suddenly "arrive" at feeling great about yourself all the time every day... and just stay there forever.  It's work. 
Fraaankly... I feel like sometimes it's nice to just not feel anything about myself at all. 
No opinions or self-assessments.  No perfectionist plans.  Just... put myself out there raw and see if anyone else feels the same. 

I know that these feelings are "normal".  And, it's nice when people say that I am beautiful.  But, sometimes I wish that you could see more about me when you look at a picture of me.  I wish you could see my humor... my heart... my passions... my secrets... my pain... my fears...

I guess that's where my "voice" is going to end up coming from.  (I am still on the journey of finding my writing "voice".  I feel like I am constantly writing one gigantic 'aside' and never getting to what I really want to say). 

So, there is your promised Wednesday blog. 
I am busy with work... and burlesque shows... and costuming... and travel plans...
I just don't have the energy to also be "pretty", right now. 
The shiny will be back, though! 



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