Personal Update: My baaack! *whine*

So, I was starting to be a little more active earlier this year despite still having a lot of spine and leg pain since my last surgery in September 2016.  Then, at my birthday party in May I was coming down some stairs when my left leg gave out and I stepped down three steps (falling onto my knees at the bottom of the stairs).  A bartender saw me take this swan-dive and came over to help me and make sure I was ok.  I'm prideful AF and was like "I'm FINE" but I had that telltale shock down my left side that said "nope... nope... not ok!"
I had an MRI a few days later that showed that my spine was indeed messed up (still? again?  who really knows).  And, since then I have seen an orthopedic surgeon and a neurosurgeon who both say that a spinal fusion is really the next step for me.  The neurosurgeon also said that he wouldn't operate on me until I had weight loss surgery and lose 200 pounds (dude... that's just never going to happen!  None of that is going to happen.  I'm not amputating healthy organs to lose weight... especially since I've gained like 70 mystery pounds since my last surgery... but my husband hasn't gained a single pound and eats more than I do!  Steroids and pain medication and trauma are likely the cause.)
So, I'm having a couple of spinal injections later this month to hopefully help with the mobility and pain issues I'm having. 

I have learned, through this experience, that a lot of people have "back problems"... but that most people don't realize that there is a HUGE difference between having occasional back pain and sciatica that you can go to work with... and having severe debilitating pain and weakness you cannot predict from having a nerve crushed in your spine.  Some people get bulging or completely extruded discs in their spine and don't even know it because they have nice wide vertebrae with lots of space between their discs, spinal canal and nerves.  But, I was born with very tight small vertebrae... and congenital spinal stenosis.  So, that means that the space in there is tiny/hard to operate in... and if anything happens to my disc it crushes nerves super easily because of how close everything is, in there. 
People don't know what any of that means. 
You, dear reader, don't really know what I'm saying... and that's ok! 
The point I'm trying to make is... this spine crap wouldn't be as big of a problem if it weren't for my body developing the way it did in the womb. 

What does that mean for this blog?

Well, I'm hoping to get back to it soon.  Sitting sucks.  Standing sucks.  Moving my body sucks. 
I'm generally angry from the pain and very difficult to be around and love. 
It's been hard as hell for me to love MYSELF through this process!  I hate my body for this.  I hate what I look like.  I can't stand to look at myself in photos or in a mirror.  I feel like I look like a parasitic monster.  Not an exaggeration.  I haaaaate myself. 
And I feel like I need to force myself to get over that shit. 
I need to figure out how to love me again...
That's why I started fashion blogging back in 2013 after my brain surgery.  I hated myself, back then. 
I hated what I was going through.  I hated my body and what it was doing to me.  Fashion helped me get back to myself.  But, it's so much damn harder now when dressing myself is often an extreme chore and clothing that isn't comfortable feels extra awful on my entire body. 
But, I've got to try to get myself out of this mindset.  Chronic pain, or not... nobody should feel the way that I do about their body!  Nobody. 

I've been thinking about writing some posts about self-care and brands that have great clothes for chronic pain sufferers and people with mobility issues.  It's a subject that I'm obviously very close to and I think that a lot of plus size babes can relate to it.  Many of us gain weight when we have surgery (or as a side effect from medications)... and the best thing that has happened since all of this is meeting/talking to other women who share my struggles (many have it considerably worse than I do and need a wheelchair. I really do count my blessings, even if I don't share that gratitude with the world as often as I should). 

One thing I am tired of hearing:  "It could be worse."
Um.  Of course it could be worse!  It can always be WORSE.  That is just invalidating talk, though.  Let people be where they are now and climb out of that hole before reminding them "the hole actually gets deeper, you know!" because it doesn't increase hope or help them cope!  Think about what you're actually saying when you say that.  You're shaming the person for having a hard time with their situation.  You're telling them "shut up and be happy it isn't more serious" when it's serious enough that they are struggling.  It's selfish and it's cruel.  Stop doing it. 


  1. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Yes these days this back problem is so common,we can only pray to God for our protection and good health.



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