Style… or ELSE. My blog title sounds like a challenge. 🙂
It is a challenge. It’s a challenge to… myself.
With how many photos I post around the internet you’d think that I was really comfortable with myself all the time. The truth is…
I have two modes.
Everyone looks at me.
Nobody looks at me.
There are times where I fall down a style and fashion black hole. I think some people call it “letting yourself go”. I think of it more like… focusing on other things that are more important than how I look. There are a lot of passions of mine where I stay up all night feverishly working (on auto-pilot). There are days when I get so caught up in working… I forget to drink water or eat.
Every once in a while I take myself out on the town. I put on something cute… style my hair (instead of stuffing it under a hat)… put on some makeup and contacts… and I let the world *IN* for a while. I let myself *OUT*.
How I’m dressing at the time really indicates where my priorities are.
Right now I am in a bit of an “ELSE” phase.
If I could stand a camera on me, right now… I would have the husband take some photos of me in my “uniform”. I will try to make that happen. You should see what I look like when I want nobody to look at me.
I’m not ashamed to be seen without makeup… or without cute clothes on. I have other more important things to think about than whether or not I have eyebrows every time I leave the house.
But, then… this glorious creature emerges… dressed in frills and ruffles… or rhinestones and feathers… and she dazzles for a little while. And, then, she goes back in her box.
There are times when I want (no… NEED) to feel ugly. Unlovable. Unbelievable. Undesirable.
It’s my natural remedy whenever I start getting on a head trip about how pretty or awesome I am.
I also go through this stage whenever I have to pull out a lot of awesome at once. I think I’m cocooning because I have shows coming up.
For this reason alone… I am not sure that I will make the best fashion or style blogger.
I don’t know if me yoyoing between self-glorification and self-deprecation can even count as entertainment (but, hey… weirder stuff happens online!).
I don’t really care what anybody tells you.
Self-love is a journey… not a destination. You don’t suddenly “arrive” at feeling great about yourself all the time every day… and just stay there forever. It’s work.
Fraaankly… I feel like sometimes it’s nice to just not feel anything about myself at all.
No opinions or self-assessments. No perfectionist plans. Just… put myself out there raw and see if anyone else feels the same.
I know that these feelings are “normal”. And, it’s nice when people say that I am beautiful. But, sometimes I wish that you could see more about me when you look at a picture of me. I wish you could see my humor… my heart… my passions… my secrets… my pain… my fears…
I guess that’s where my “voice” is going to end up coming from. (I am still on the journey of finding my writing “voice”. I feel like I am constantly writing one gigantic ‘aside’ and never get to what I really want to say).
So, there is your promised Wednesday blog.
I am busy with work… and burlesque shows… and costuming… and travel plans…
I just don’t have the energy to also be “pretty”, right now.
The shiny will be back, though!